Is an AWESOME new women’s empowerment magazine! The kind of magazine that makes you feel good when you read it. I can not rave more about The Ray.

Carl Jung wrote, “”But anyone who attempts to do both, to adjust to his group and at the same time pursue his individual goal, becomes neurotic”. In other words if one tries to follow their heart and please others at the same time, they become neurotic.

In healing an eating disorder one must be willing to let go of all familial and societal expectations and choose to follow one’s own inner guidance. One must listen to their soul, and stay true to their soul, and let go of any desire to please others. One must not conform to society.

There is so much in my heart I would like to share tonight. Did you know that having an eating disorder is the best thing that could possibly happen to you?! How can I say that?! With all the suffering and pain, hopelessness, despair, agony, torture, misery, self-hatred, worthlessness…How can I say that feeling that way was the best thing that could have happened to me? I can say it because it led me to be who I am and where I am today, it led me to find myself, my Self, Joy, Magic, God, Peace. I was born into a three dimensional world of “this is what you should be” - you should make a lot of money, get married, and have children, and in order to do this you should work really hard, be focussed, smart, beautiful, have your shit together and then you will be happy. This is what life is. Family, money, religion. Somebody told me, my parents and media, the way life is, the way I should be - and as hard as I tried, to fit into this mold, I just felt more and more miserable, I felt so worthless, like everyone had it together but me. And I just kept striving and striving, and feeling worse and worse, throwing up more and more, until one day I realized that whatever I was working so hard to achieve, and be, just wasn’t worth all this misery, and pain, and so one day I just let go. I gave up. I let go of thinking I needed to have a great job, or be beautiful, of thinking I needed to get married or have children, I gave up on all dreams and all expectations, of all desire to please my parents or anyone, because I realized in doing so I was just so miserable, so forget it all!!! And in its place I slowly learned how to please myself. I liked observing, feeling the wind, talking to people I would never have talked to before, leaving conversations that bored me, saying good-bye to friends that gossiped and judged others, I started hanging out alone, feeling my feelings, listening to the thoughts in my head, being with myself, meditating, exploring my sexual energy, exploring all of me, without judgement, just observing the way I was built and re-programming myself. I realized that all my beliefs were like software. They weren’t who I was. They were programming. And the programming made me miserable so I decided to change it. I started doing yoga and I learned how to relax. I started to dance. I started to eat. I started to enjoy the experience and pleasure of my body moving, rather then trying to control the way my body looked. And most importantly I started to be guided my the natural organic rhythms from within me. Instead of listening to my thoughts about what was right and wrong, what to eat, what to do, what to be, instead of listening to my parents, culture, tv, religion, I started listening to me. What did I feel like doing, what did my body feel like doing, what inspired me, what made me feel more alive, what lit me up inside, God was within me in the form of internal guidance, there was no right way to be, or right person to be, there was only this moment and listening to what is my next step. I realized I could not see the road ahead, only could sense into each step at a time. And that in surrendering to this, I did not need to worry anymore about everything turning out perfectly. And in allowing myself to be in the moment, just being where I was, just doing what felt right in this moment, life became so much more enjoyable and easy. At first it was very hard to know how to listen to myself, at first I was very scared to make the “wrong” step because I didn’t trust my voice, but through trial and error I began to start trusting myself, and so much healing took place. I never forced my eating disorder to go away. It went away as I began to listen and trust myself. As I began to define reality in my own unique way, as I allowed myself to be who I was rather then who I was expected to become. Sometimes being in the moment and trusting my guidance meant laying in bed for hours crying, just being with my feelings and pain in a loving conscious way. Sometimes it meant taking a chance and going to England because something inside me just said go. Sometimes it meant getting angry enough to speak up to a man who hadn’t treated me with respect, it was a constant flow of turning inside myself to hear what the next step was, and daring to act on it. And sometimes I was too scared to listen, and sometimes there would be depression and anger, and sometimes I would get stuck, and sometimes I would still push myself too hard, it was all this process. And this process of myself became my life, this process of myself, this process of transforming of learning and growing, of becoming more aware and conscious, of seeing things differently, of changing, and this process of myself, of life, was multi-dimensional, life was multi-dimensional. It was not the linear world my parents and media had taught me of get a job and get married, no, no!, life was so much richer and more interesting, my inner life of transforming and healing myself had so much more juice!!! it was magical! in fact. Life began to become this very beautiful mystery that was constantly unfolding in me, as me, showing me more and more interesting and magical Godly things. God was not this fixed thing, or concept, it was the magic I was experience as my Self was, is becoming more aware. And I have my eating disorder to thank! Because if my eating disorder hadn’t shown me, cried out to me, cried out from me, how miserable I was, I would have never dared or been pushed to find another better world. I believe that having an eating disorder was my soul’s cry that the world I was living in was not a good fit for me. That there was another reality, another dimension, I had to get to in order to be at peace. 

Turn off your tv’s, stop trying to be or please anyone but yourself. Dare to leave this three dimensional world and open up into a reality far Greater then anything this culture tells you the world is about. Heaven is not somewhere God lets you go after you die if you have been good enough. Heaven is right here on Earth. It requires taking the risk of letting go of everything anyone told you about who you are and who you should be and what you should do, in order to surrender to the Truth that lies within you. When you turn your awareness inside of yourself and start listening and observing, accepting, and loving all that is inside of you, all that is you….see what happens.

“The Kingdom of Heaven Lies Within”

This is the only ed book I have ever read that I have ever liked. Its called, “Eating by the Light of the Moon”. If I had to write a book about how I cured my ed, I would have written this book. For me, she nailed it! In order to be cured, I had to embrace my feminine nature. My feelings, my instincts, my sexuality, my body, my intuition, My Magic Mystical Self! I had to learn how to enjoy and be pleasured by life. I had to learn how to enjoy doing absolutely nothing at all. I had to Learn How to Be!!!!

I was working with this client today. She couldn’t understand why even though she “had it together” she was still throwing up every day.

I knew why. I could see it in her.

I asked, “Do you think you need to be productive in order to be good enough? Do you think you need to be highly successful and do big Great important things, in order to be good enough”. She said “Yes. I always want to be the best.”

I said, “In order to prove yourself to your father, so he will love you?” and she sayd, “yes.” I said, “Well that is what is fucking you up! You gotta let that go.”

I explained to her that this culture is really messed up. 5000 years of patriarchal rule! Where everything is linear, and hierarchal, and its all about achieving and being productive and if you can’t see it, taste it, touch it, smell it , or hear it, it doesn’t exist! 

In this society everyone thinks we have to run around like chickens with our heads cut off doing Great things so we will be good enough. But this is Bullshit!

Bullshit! Bullshit! Bullshit! We are already good enough!!!! We are hear to learn and grow and have fun and experience. This whole need to be productive is like – so old school, it is so yesterday, it’s like wearing a bee-hive hair do, it just doesn’t work anymore! It can’t. We cant live like this anymore. Like robots or hamsters, more and more and more work, so we can have stuff, and then feel good enough. But guess what, when you think you’ve “made it”, cause you have rally nice stuff,  you still don’t feel good enough! Because in order to really feel like you are good enough, you have to realize you don’t need to do anything in order to be good enough. That is the secret. Is the earth good enough? Are animals good enough? Are plants good enough? And us humans? Who told us we weren’t good enough??!!!

Maybe our male, punishing, Judeo Christian God, sexuality is sinful, you must work in order to be redeemed, myth taught us that. Maybe it is a lie?!

What happen to worshipping nature and the Goddess?

It is time we love, and honor and nurture ourselves just because we are Goddess’.

We must treat ourselves like Queens. We must learn it is enough to just go out in the world and be our Loving selves. The world is here for us to learn and grow!!!

Everything is here for us so that we may evolve and becoming more loving.

It is about us! It is not about our jobs! Our careers! About how productive, rich or successful we are! Those can be fun things that come along our path, but that is not the goal! The goal is us! To make ourselves sacred! We all have weakness and strength, a desire to share our talents and love, but it is time we get out of this bullshit rat mill hamster mill humanly depriving cultural belief system that makes us feel guilt if we take time to enjoy the sunset or a cup of tea.

Its as if the system has made us slaves. We are not free! We are slaves. Liberate yourself! Make yourself a Queen, honor and love and make sacred everything about you! And realize you are all ready good enough! You don’t need to prove anything!!!! Just go out there and enjoy the ride! No pressure. No expectation. Just be you!!!